Essential Reading
Be vigilant! The enemy is all around. Americans observing any of the following are hereby commanded to contact the FBI immediately:
- Brown-skinned persons conversing in heated jibberish
- Turban-wearing persons demonstrating emotions other than all-American bliss and contentment
- Sidewalk falafel vendors of ambiguous ethnicity who are unwilling to make change for a fifty
- Arabic store owners or cab drivers who have not begun prominently displaying at least 3 American flags
- Middle Eastern persons who become visibly uncomfortable and/or upset when confronted with your suspicious and hostile stares
- Burka-clad transvestites